Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Real Me

So yesterday I purchased the newest Jessie Clark Funk CD from Deseret Book, but I didn't get a chance to listen to it until about 15 minutes ago. I came across this song and immediately fell in love with it because it encompasses everything that I have been feeling lately.

The Real Me-Jessie Clark Funk

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
Theres no need to mask my frailty
'Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existance
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
I wanna be me.

And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

People keep asking me if I'm excited to go to Wisconsin...and I lie and say yes., scared, doubtful,...most definitely. I know I am making the wrong decision and yet I'm too frightened to go back and re-decide. I chose to leave Utah because I realized there was nothing keeping me here, then I realized the only thing I needed to keep me here was my own desire. Then I realized I have no clue who I really am. You would think after almost 24 years of living with myself I would know something about myself...

I am told I'm a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me...and I can testify of the truthfulness of that...but I don't see how He could possibly love me with all the mistakes I make, harsh words I say, and actions I perform that I know I shouldn't. Yet...He does love me even though I cannot fathom and comprehend it. Beyond this I don't know who I am. I want to be me but who is that person?

Perhaps someday I'll see who I am, but for now I just am grateful for the little things that are in my life that make it worthwhile. I also hope that the people who have been effected by my poor choices will forgive me for the damage I have caused on their lives.

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