I never thought I would actually need one of those ridiculous troll dolls from the 90's but I decided I need one. I should have kept one of mine, I had the freaking most awesome troll dolls, including one that was like the size of a cabbage patch doll that crawled. Why do I need a troll? Well Brian and I went and played Bingo today at the local casino in Milwaukee. Laugh if you will but I had a really good time...especially considering if you got Bingo the minimum you could get was $500.00 and it only cost us $16.00 each to play like 57,000 games of bingo. However, it was us and like 500 old people who had like 170 daubbers each and good luck charms. No joke, the lady we sat across from (who was freaking awesome) had like a rosary, a good luck coin from a hotel in vegas, a keychain, some mitten clip thing, and who knows what else. Oh and to top it off she was wearing mardi gras beads. Sadly, Brian and I didn't get Bingo at all, but Brian did win $25.00 in Bingo money to come back which means heck yes we're going to go play Bingo again. I need the troll doll though for my good luck charm!
Before that I got the loverly chance to go to P.F. Chang's for dinner with Brian as well. It was so yummy and I got Crispy Honey Chicken which was the closest thing I've found to Panda Express' Orange Chicken since I've moved home. My thought is, if podunk Cedar City can have a Panda Express why can't Milwaukee? Oh well we have a Chick-fil-a so that makes up for it slightly. Anyway, the dinner was amazing and I even got a cute fortune in my fortune cookie.
This is where I brag about Brian so turn away if you must control the gagging and subsequent vomiting over my sappiness. So I've been having a rough time and I'm not the best with talking when I'm having a hard time mostly because I can never say out loud how I feel. Most of it has to do with what I wrote about yesterday, but a large chunk is I'm lonely. Like I really don't have a single friend here in Waukesha that I can randomly get lunch with or just go chat, and thank goodness I'm dating Brian, but sometimes a girl needs a girl to just gossip with and talk about "girl things". Plus I'm really bad with change, and I know we have to grow-up and move on, but I wish I just had like one or two friends here to do stuff with.
However, I do have the world's most amazing boyfriend, who I would see every day if I could. That helps with loneliness tremendously, and as we were driving home and literally one block from my house and I started crying. He, being the amazing guy he is, drove around my neighborhood for a while and then pulled over and we talked. It was hard for me cause I couldn't say exactly how I felt inside cause I'm bad at it, but just having him do that made me realize that I need to just deal with the cards I've been dealt. He mentioned yesterday that this whole job thing is just a moment in my life and isn't the rest of my life and that is so true. It was weird because even though I couldn't say how I felt and Brian couldn't say every little thing to make it better because of that, it was the silence of just being there that helped. Thats really sappy, I know, but I guess since it is my blog I can write about whatever I want.
I'm also really grateful for my parents because they do and say so much for me. I recently learned a lot of people my mom knows and some of our neighbors charge their kids my age rent to live in their home. That to me is just crazy! My parents would never charge me rent (oh correction, if I'm doing drugs or in trouble with the law they would) and on top of that I still get an allowance ha ha. I'm so glad I have the parents I do, like tonight when i walked in I guess it was apparent I was crying (stupid eye make-up) and so my mom was worried Brian and I broke up. However, when I explained the situation to her she just told me some stuff that helped a lot too.
I guess I realize after typing all this that I have more than a girl could ask for. Great parents, amazing boyfriend, a job (sort of), a place to live, a car thats in good running condition, and other things that I want. I think from now on I need to focus on what I do have and not live my life wanting more all the time...though I still do want a full-time job, but that will come in time. I got rejected from the Marquette job because according to their website the position is filled. Thats ok by me really, I'll still be fine. My job will pay me enough to pay my car payment, credit card payment (books and such from school is all thats on it), gas (ugh), a lot left over to save, and a little left for fun money.
While typing this it also reminded me of one of my favorite songs we ever sang in HOPE called "Truly I am Blessed" and its the chorus (my favorite part) that I was reminded of:
Truly I am blessed
To be a lamb in his pasture,
To dwell in his love.
In my darkest hour he made my step sure.
I am his beloved.
Even though it probably would be dramatic to say this is my darkest hour, I still love the reassurance that even if it was I still am on the path I need to be on, and I shouldn't doubt.
