Friday, November 7, 2008

Icky Feelings...

So I have no clue why, but the past few days I've had that "icky feeling" in my stomach all the time. Like its almost a cross between jealousy and that "somethings wrong I just know it" feeling I'm sure we've all had at one point in time or another. I have a vague idea what is causing it, but that's not really the important thing I suppose since it's nothing I can change and the feelings will pass eventually. I just wish they will pass soon because I'm really quite ready to be done with feeling this way.

At the same time, I feel constantly lately like life is just passing me by. Like I have always lived my life dwelling on the past or hoping for the future, and never living in the moment. I wish I knew how to just enjoy the moment, and don't get me wrong I do enjoy the things that I do. I enjoy the time I spend with Brian more than anything, and the same with spending time with my family, but I always feel like I've missed out. I drive past college campuses and I feel like I missed out on "college life" by going to school in a small town, and getting fixated on things like relationships while missing out on the times I could have had with friends. At the same time I have amazing memories of things I did with my friends, whether it was pedicures in my living room in rubbermade bins (thanks Emily!), silly things like the Night of the Rock (thanks Judy!), midnight wal-mart trips (thanks Cami!), or one of the million random things Lindsey would do with me (thanks Linds!), but I still feel like I didn't take advantage of my time in college. I can't go back and I can't change anything, but I still long to.

I guess time will make me learn to live my life in the present, and I have been doing better at it, especially when I hang out with Brian. Its the typical cheesey "I want this moment to last forever "that occurs, like when we're just watching TV and cuddling and I want time to stand still so that moment will last. Plus I'm still in awe how well he treats me, and how amazing he is, so that makes me step back and look at things too. I love him bunches! I still need to work on appreciating what I have now though because I don't want to look back on my entire life regretting not living it to the fullest. I think getting a real job would help, but that too will come in time.

OK so thats repetitve and random and rambling and probably incoherent, but hey it's my blog. In happy news...Brian and I have been working out and getting healthy together. We both joined the YMCA and worked out together on Tuesday morning, and then wednesday night Brian taught me how to play Racquetball. It was SO fun, and I want to play like every day! Then again he took it easy on me so once I keep getting creamed after my initial grace learning period is over I might not feel the same way.


The Robinson Family said...

I kinda feel the same way about college. I kinda miss it and wish that I would have taken more "fun" classes instead of just hurrying to get college done and over with. I am glad that I got to have so much fun with you though, and wish we would have hung out more after I got married, but that's how life goes I guess. :)

Bill and Emily Grant said...

Yay for rubbermaid bin pedicures!!! I'm sorry about your icky feelings... I think that sometimes we just get in those "funks"... I know I do anyway. However, it always seems to get better. :) It is hard to just enjoy life without looking back or wishing for the future. True happiness comes when we finally do enjoy the current moment while still appreciating the past while looking forward to the future. I hope that makes sense... :)

Hang in there my friend! Things always turn up! You have such a fun personality that I know you can laugh and make the best of things. I just wish we were closer so we could soak our feet and put on fake nails!

Love ya! ~Schmemnlop

Lindsey said...

yay for random things! And next time I get to see you...lots and lots of random things shall be planned!! It's kind of weird watching people around BYU and stuff, and realizing that I never get to do college over again either. It's bizarre...I did it so fast that college is all a blur... just remember the fun things!! Like my closet... and wonderful movie pizza homework nights... and teaching me to crochet... and all of the above. :) Missing you much!